You know how everybody's sitting around and an innocent side comment starts meaningful (and sometimes heated) dialogue? Then you find out that your opinion on the subject differs from most folks in the room. Has that ever happened to you?
Well for me, the topic where my opinion is nearly guaranteed to differ is marriage. Now before you start throwing canned tomatoes at me, please remember this is MY blog and I can write whatever I want. Refer to the paragraph above, in the dark pink box.
Anyhow, I know exactly what to say to start the eyes rolling and the necks swiveling. All i have to say is--"MY HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF MY HOUSE". Those 8 words can set it off! Some women say to me, "You mean to tell me that he is the boss of you? Girlllllllllllll, I wouldn't EVER let a man run me. You must be crazy."
Now this is not to say that it's a dictatorship, but there simply can't be two bosses. There has to be someplace where the buck stops. And in my home, it stops with him. Again, I don't wish to imply that I don't have a voice. Anyone who knows me knows that I speak loud and clear. There is discussion of pros and cons, and sometimes we don't agree. A decision needs to be made and that decision rests with him. I completely trust that he will do what he thinks is best for the family. And sometimes, it's the wrong decision. In that case, we just back up and go another route.
And ya know what? I don't mind one bit. I've been the decision maker, the bread winner, the disciplinarian, etc. and it wasn't fun. I've relinquished all those roles to him and I can focus on other things. I don't miss them. I don't know how it works in your home, but this works wonderfully in ours.
Your comments--priceless!
I know why the necks start rolling. The idea of allowing your husband to "lead" runs counter to the Myth of the Strong Black Woman.
Many Black women have grown up (or are taught by their...wink....wink unwed mothers) with the notion that they only have themselves and mamma to depend on. A few girlfriends, if they are lucky. Maybe some daddy support every now and then (after mama had straightened him out), but, definitely, not ever, don't ever depend on support from a man.
So they build their own support networks, hold down jobs, buy their own houses and proceeded to - make do. Make do without a man (or husband), make do without societal support, make do in the churches, accept leadership when they 'allowed' us and to take a back seat when they didn't. Be a good friend to other, similarly situated, women. Be a good daughter and sister. Be a good mama, and in many cases, a good daddy as well.
Due to life circumstances or erroneous guidance passed on from one generation to another, they convince themselves never to allow a man to 'lead' them anywhere. If they are lucky enough to make it to the altar, the competition with their husband ultimately sinks their marriage, but seems to give them fuel to encourage another sista "gurl, this is why you have to do for yourself." And so the cycle continues. The "Strong Black Woman Syndrome" is the undercurrent to another failed marriage.
Holla
I know what you mean. Sometimes we as the wife have to let the husband be the husband, the provider, caregiver, the MAN. Oh we know how to push buttons to try and think he isnt the king of the house but we as the wife have our limits. We do know our breaking point but just want to see how far we can go.
But the one part where I kind of disagree on my lovely Jewel Box is the decisions for the family. Sometimes two heads are better than one. Important decisions should be together and finding different routes in the decision. First see how his plan works then run your plan, see if you can combine the two plans to become ONE. But just make sure all of your plans are compounded within. LOL. Because ladies remember this... He is the BOSS but we are CEO's. roflllllllll. Uh Jewel do I get a prize?
JEWEL, well said! I recall in my household of my lady freind. There were times when a decision had to be made. I oft times would try that macho, "I'm the MAN" crap..lol...she wouldnt say anything...but put her hands on her hips and shake her head in sutle silence.
Well, after about a gazillion mis-steps and errors, I finally figured it out...she has a voice and a greater sense of judgement than me. I told her this...she smiled...smirked a little (I don't blame her)then told me, "Babe pick some bread up on the way home from work."
I now know who the real CEO is of the house! Errrr White bread or wheat, Honey?
A successful marriage is one where the partners can agree on who does what best and then lets them do it! One may manage money better than the other, one may be a better organizer, etc. But i agree jewel that when it comes down to a decision that is hard to agree on that i let my hubby make that decision, even if i have to bite my tongue to do it. Just like a business someone has to make the final decisions. While i am anything but subservient, i do believe that the man is the head of the household and is due that respect. In return, i think a man who clearly knows that his wife supports him, treats her with equal respect and love. And when he makes an incorrect decision, never, ever assuming an 'i told you so' attitude.
It is not a matter of giving up control or independence it is acknowledging his role and letting him know that you trust him to do the right things.
I have at say that my husband is the head of our household. That has not always been the case. Over the years I have come to trust his judgment knowing that my opinion is always of great importance to him. We share responsibilities, but ultimately if the buck stops somewhere, its with him.
My parents always had separate money, yours and mine never having great trust between them when it came to money). We combined finances before we were married. It was hard for me to relinquish my checkbook to him at first, but he has always made the right decisions. We have been together 17 years, married more than 13. We just sort of ended up in traditional roles, me the stay at home mom and he the bread winner. It works well for us.
My husband is also the head of the household and throughout our over 30 years of marriage, I must say we know how to go forth and turn-around if necessary on his decisions. All of his decisions have not been the best, but then I have had my moments also. Moreover, I have come to trust his decisions, and I know that his decisions include my input in most cases. In our household we share our responsibilities and recognize that each of us is our own person with input and then we are a combination of input that eventually is output with his final decision.
I mean a MAN needs to be able to function as a MAN - sorry woman some of you need to step back and let your MAN be a MAN or get a bytch and call it a day.