A few weeks ago, I blogged about friends and choosing them wisely. Today is different. Let's talk about those who think they are closer to you than they are. Folks who think they are friends and you consider them "just someone you know." This is never a good scenario, as it generally ends with you telling that person, "Umm Muffin, you seem to have it twisted. We are not now, nor were we ever 'friends'" and their feelings being hurt.

Had anyone asked, I would have said, up until this past weekend, that I had done an outstanding job in letting people know where they stood, as far as their FOJ status. Obviously, I haven't. I had an incident where someone greatly overestimated their importance in my life. They were hurt that I refused to share certain details of my personal life with them. They felt that I was obligated to do so. I thought differently. They lashed out in what I think was an inebriated fit. I responded. It was ugly.

I told everyone, at the beginning of the year, this is my year of change. And everyone won't appreciate the changes. Unfortunately, I have to do what's best for me, and not what's best for someone else. I was warned that some wouldn't like it, and I shrugged it off. But, perhaps I should have listened more closely. There are those who will be supportive and those who won't. Just the day before this unpleasant incident, I got an unexpected card in the mail from a FOJ. The card was about friends and appreciating them.

Looking back on it, I guess it was inevitable. But now I'm a bit concerned about who else might be confused about the nature of how we relate. I've never had this situation before. How does one handle these kinds of issues? And, is use of a "feel good" substance an excuse for such behavior? What do you all think?

Your comments--priceless!!
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7 Responses
  1. cmiles Says:

    Human nature being what it is, people really do not know how to handle it when people decide to be different than they are in the past. Instead of it being about that person needing change, some internalize it and lash out. And a use of a "feel good" substance give some that pseudo confidence that they would not normally have, in some instances things come out that they may have kept to themselves had they been sober, good or not. Being under the influence is no reason to lash out at any one.

  2. KatsMeow Says:

    I find that this rarely happens to me in my "real" life. However, being the "no-so-closet" nerd that I am, I have experienced it in the cyber-world. I, personally, have made the mistake of thinking I was a friend with somebody and could say something to them. They promptly CURSED me out and put me in my place, which was not the 'friend' place. I was glad for the clarity and never made that mistake with them again. Now, you may not approve of the method that person used but, for me, it was QUICK (cut smooth) and only painful for a minute. I wish more folks would step up to the plate and use it. If you need alcohol or drugs to use that method, and it's what you do, more power to you.

    Um....while we're at it...am I an FOJ?? Just wanna be clear.

  3. Ugmolicious Says:

    This is always an interesting and somewhat "touchy" topic for me. I tend to be extremely careful about who I choose as friends. I think I'm possibly more close to what some would consider "anti-social" regarding this matter.......although, I'm a very friendly person. I tend to be extremely protective of my "friend" circle and therefore that is a very short list. I don't meddle in other people's private affairs and I refuse to allow that type of involvement in my own private affairs. I have no problem making it clear as to who is included in my circle and who is not. To me, it's a matter of body language and inclusion (or lack thereof). But, every now and then, you run into these individuals who refuse to heed the warning signs and ostensibly stumble "all up in your business".......so, you have to break out the "verbal shotgun" and shoot them between the eyes. I have no problem with that and hence I live a relatively "drama free" existence with the few people I have in my friend circle. Rule of thumb for me: If someone is always talking to you and telling other people's business, they are in all likelihood telling your business too. Beware.

  4. LUVA Says:

    That's why my profile says: Those that know me know WHO I am, and those that know me KNOW WHERE I am. This doesn't mean that they know my name or assume what they want to know about me or know me at all (thoughts, feelings, etc). With that being said, friends are always few and far between. With a true friend, an unconditional love relationship is built between the two as close or near close to the relationship we share with with our loved ones. You have to do what's best for you. It is what it is and everything is everything....and everybody is not your friend. Ugmo said it best....beware of those that claim to be your friend but tell your business. Little do they know the people they're gossiping with, they think is a friend to them. But that friend comes back and tells you, "they're not your friend". Keep doing what you're doing Jewel and be blessed while doing it coming and going. I'm glad you blogged about this! And I'm glad to be a part of the tinyjewelbox. Blog Proud!!!!

  5. catladysd Says:

    Wow, being a people watcher by avocation, i am always interested in the way folks relate to each other, even strangers.

    I have one best friend and several close friends but consider most of the others in my life as acquaintances on a scale of closeness and or companions by virtue of similar work or interests.

    I sometimes meet someone that i hope will become a friend or acquaintance of the closer nature, but those feelings are not always reciprocated. And that's ok. I truly believe folks are in our lives for a reason and sometimes they are not in our lives for a reason.

    I do think that no matter where you fit into someone's life you need to respect how they feel, and what parts of their life they want to include you in. It is a shame that hurt feelings and anger spoiled whatever the relationship was before that time!

  6. This is a tough situation, but probably not as uncommon as one would think. Personalities are all different, and what one person perceives to be acts of friendship might be "just being nice" to another.

    My freshman year in college, a guy who dated a high school classmate of mine found my email address in a forwarded email and decided to email me. At first I couldn't even remember who he was, but after he reminded me, we emailed a few times because I figured there was no reason not to.

    One night he called my house while I was watching a movie on TV with my sister, and because I was in the middle of the movie, I asked my sister who'd answered the phone, to tell him I'd call him back later ... which I forgot to do.

    Not long after, I received an angry email from him about how friends were supposed to be there for each other, etc.

    The thing was, I didn't really think of him as a friend. I emailed him because there was no reason to be rude by ignoring his emails, and I wasn't against getting acquainted with him, but we hadn't come close to a level of acquaintance where I'd thought him a close friend and wanted to just chat with him about nothing on the phone.

    Needless to say, the emailing stopped, which was OK by me.

  7. Eden ~ Lil Ejypt Says:

    Great topic. You know, Sister-in-a-Suit, you are like me in that you know a countless number of people. Some we know to a closer degree than others. I am a person who loves the people I meet from the first moment, almost all of the time (sometimes the alternative kicks in, but that is infrequent). My grandmother always told me, from the time I was a child, that I have the biggest heart and the largest capacity for loving people that she had ever seen. She told me that this was one of many things that made me very special. And I continue to embrace and cultivate that quality.
    It took me a very long time to finally learn that everybody isn't like me in that way. I had to learn that while anyone could trust me with anything, I could not expect that same level of loyalty or care and concern from every person I chanced to meet. It was a lesson I learned the hard way. I suffered a lot in that learning process. But while I learned that I needed to practice some discernment in regard to who I trusted with my heart, my sorrows and triumphs, my pain and my joy alike-I did not allow that to alter the way that I love everybody, all the time. I accept people the way they are and allow each person to be who they are without judging or condemning. I try not to place expectations on anyone. Many people have trust issues-I cannot assume that everyone I think I can trust is trustworthy--and I cannot expect everyone I know to believe that I am trustworthy-whether I am or not doesn't matter in many situations. Everybody has their own issues, to which they are entitled. For me, I can be very friendly, warm and wonderful to any and everybody--but I do not have the same need I had when I was younger to validate myself by the number of people who love me back. I can validate myself based on who I am and don't need others stacked up in my life to make me feel like a worthwhile person.
    I think it may be possible that the syndrome (for lack of a better term) you refer to here may be a characteristic of people who just need to feel like they are important to people with whom they are impressed for one reason or another. Let them down gently. The individual you referred to who apparently drinks to excess at least on occasion clearly has a lonely heart. I'd say don't take his problems on, but add him to your prayer list. Everybody wants to be special to somebody. And who better to want to be special to than a lady like you?

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